Oh The Things He Tells Me and Learning To Be Okay With Joy

So, I am sitting in my room, listening to All Around Me by David Crowder Band and all of the sudden a thought creeps into my head. Thoughts of all my depression, all my past, everything. Flooding my brain. Like a dam broke that had been holding it back for some time now, allowing me to heal. I know the dam was God and satan was definetly the one trying to break it. But, no worries guys because God is great. He gave me words to fix the dam, words not to dismantle everything I have made progress from. He said, " Depression can't go deeper than the love of God can reach. Hand over your scars, hurt, pain, and pills over to Him and let real healing begin." I felt all of the holes in my dam seal back up and an overwhelming peace come over my soul. For awhile, I struggled with how to accept the joy of Christ. This seemed so foreign to me. You can be joyful, even when times are hard? No. That has to be a joke. But, it't the truth. If we fully surrender to the will of God, He will give us so many uplifting thoughts, so many releases from our anxieties, from everything. I know this sounds corny, but let go and let God. Accept the peace He brings and live a life that would glorify him.

All Seems Dreary..

In my current state, I am trying to grasp the concept that some things aren't in my control. That no matter how much I feel I must be the glue-that I just can't be. And even though my father tries to slew the dynamic, I will be the child and he must be the parent. Right now, my dad is on a downward spiral alcoholic binge and it's very hard to deal with. Not only am I worried about him and his health, but also the fact that my mom will only let me do day visits now. We haven't broken the news to him yet and it terrifies me. I know he will react horribly, and when I do visit him the subject of conversation will be full of how my mom sucks. And I just hate feeling like I have to bash the other parent to make the one I am currently with feel they have all my love. What they need to realize is that through all the mistakes they have made in parenthood(which I am sure I will do my fair share of later in life), that I can love them both equally. I didn't eat hardly at all yesterday-I just felt sick all day. I can still feel this massive cloud of anxiety and depression starting to loom over my head again. Right when I thought it was over.. I want to feel the joy of the Lord. I just have a hard time accepting that all happiness won't fade. That I don't always have to be waiting for the bottom to fall out. Because if God is my bottom, my rock- and all my happiness depends on him, then my joy will be ever present.(not based on the situation.) So I have come across a few bible verses that have helped me. 

Mathew 6:43 says, " Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

Psalm 56:3-4 
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? 

John 16:22 - "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.".

The last one is my favorite. So, even though right now I feel I can't handle this-I know who can and I am soo thankful.