Gratitude Page..

I am going to be starting a gratitude page and so this article will have constant add ons-close to everyday. Right now, I am dealing with some depression so I am going to try to also take the time to look at all the positives in my life as well. So, here goes nothing.

~7/18/12: Today I am thankful for something my mom and I have nick named M.H.T. (mental health tuesdays) This is when I have counseling appointments and we both go to the alanon meeting-so I can cope with my dad, These days are a blessing because without them-I would lose my head altogether, And also today, I am thankful for days off. I have a summer babysitting job and I am very happy to know I have today  off. Yes. (:

All Seems Dreary..

In my current state, I am trying to grasp the concept that some things aren't in my control. That no matter how much I feel I must be the glue-that I just can't be. And even though my father tries to slew the dynamic, I will be the child and he must be the parent. Right now, my dad is on a downward spiral alcoholic binge and it's very hard to deal with. Not only am I worried about him and his health, but also the fact that my mom will only let me do day visits now. We haven't broken the news to him yet and it terrifies me. I know he will react horribly, and when I do visit him the subject of conversation will be full of how my mom sucks. And I just hate feeling like I have to bash the other parent to make the one I am currently with feel they have all my love. What they need to realize is that through all the mistakes they have made in parenthood(which I am sure I will do my fair share of later in life), that I can love them both equally. I didn't eat hardly at all yesterday-I just felt sick all day. I can still feel this massive cloud of anxiety and depression starting to loom over my head again. Right when I thought it was over.. I want to feel the joy of the Lord. I just have a hard time accepting that all happiness won't fade. That I don't always have to be waiting for the bottom to fall out. Because if God is my bottom, my rock- and all my happiness depends on him, then my joy will be ever present.(not based on the situation.) So I have come across a few bible verses that have helped me. 

Mathew 6:43 says, " Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

Psalm 56:3-4 
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? 

John 16:22 - "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.".

The last one is my favorite. So, even though right now I feel I can't handle this-I know who can and I am soo thankful.

He never fails me. (:

I just wanted to say for a moment there- that situation with my dad was looking really hopeless. Until, I just let myself  break down and cry and I prayed. I prayed for at least an hour about the situation with my dad. I prayed God would soften his heart, so that all of this heart ache would just go away. So that our relationship could be mended. And even though that night I went to bed at 3 with wet eyes and a stuffy nose, the next day I got a call. He left a voice mail saying how sorry he was and he knew he hurt me etc. I honestly love the way God works. He seriously never fails me! This is why I owe God my life and everything that I am(: 
 A poem I wrote: Sometimes I wonder..

sometimes I wonder where I would be without you.

I can't say that anyone has ever been there for me like you have been

you listen to me everytime we talk and you never interrupt

you are always there with words of comfort

always there with advice

you always know my desires and needs before I know

you are my other half'

sometimes I wonder if I would still be alive without the hope you have given me

without the compassion you've showed me

or all of our late night talks while tears streamed down my face

there truly aren't words that can explain my gratitude

every day I see the trees I feel inspired at how much beauty you placed here for me to enjoy. 

sometimes I wonder how people function without you

sometimes you don't realize how in the dark you have been living until you have truly felt alive in this light

God, I can honestly say you are my best friend, and to you, I owe my life.

Luke 1:78-79"With the loving mercy of our God, a new day from heaven will dawn upon us. It will shine on those who live darkness in the shadow of death. It will guide us into the path of peace"

 I hope that all of you have a blessed day!

A Season Of Mourning.

A season of mourning had been knocking at my door; writing me mail, posting notes for me to read. I thought I had conquered it. I thought I told sadness to stay away from me and my thoughts. But, maybe I need a season of mourning, just to process some things. I miss my dad with every fiber of my being. I have always longed for the fatherly attention I will never adequately receive. This past summer was just a tease, leading me to think he was capable of staying sober and of being the compassionate dad I need. But that's the thing about alcoholism, it's never the person talking. Just the alcohol. I remember entering through the gates at the airport this past summer sobbing so hard everyone stared because I had to leave my dad. Now, I am balling so hard because he hurt me and doesn't care. Why do there have to be broken homes and broken people? Why do people have to be so awful. I mean I can tolerate kids my own age being mean, but all I ever wanted was acceptance and love from him and a proper relationship. But, no. That's fine. Leave me hang out to dry. Unfriend me on facebook and go on with life without me. I am done trying. I am so beyond hurt, I don't know how I can function. A healthy family is all I need. And I am fighting the urge  to lean on guys, so hard. But it's so hard when I sometimes feel like God isn't here. I mean I know he is, but I just want a tangible hug. You know? But, God I know this will only last a season. Please, just give me the strength. Please.

A Beautiful Weekend!

Good morning all you lovely people(: I am seriously enjoying today, even though I have only been up a few hours. It is beautiful outside. I am sitting on the brick porch of my house on our wicker love seat eating breakfast. A delicious one at that, cinnamon toast and oranges. I can smell summertime already; the sound of the mower running in the neighbors yard, birds chirping in the trees, the warm sun radiating into our yard, and the sound of my little brothers playing as little boys do. I swear there is nothing quiet about little boys. But, I love them anyways. They are wonderful in every way. Today is going to be a busy day, procrastinating the homework I always wait 'til Sunday to do and all of my chores as well. But, as much as I hate cleaning, music will always break up the monotony. I will be cranking some tunes here shortly, which of course will make me not get done as fast as my mom would like. So sorry charlie. My music and I are joined at the hip. Oh and yet another reason that makes this weekend fabulous is the fact that I went on a date with a guy named Clark this Friday. He showed up in a SUIT to meet my mom. He said there is only one first impression and nothing says 10 o'clock movie like a suit. So adorable. But, anyways I hope all of your weekends have been just as lovely as mine. I have to go because I am being summoned to go clean. Au Revoir! (:

Oh the joys of being a big sister..

Oh the joys of being a big sister.. the picture above is of my English notes, sopping wet and juice-covered.  Of course my lovely brother Hugh decided it would be an excellent idea to run with his full glass of tang into the dining room. This is where my poor, innocent notes lay on the ground. My ceiling fan had blown them off the table. And of course, where does the juice go sloshing over the sides of his cup? Right over top of my paper, sending a thunderstorm raining down on it. It is currently sitting on my table. Hopefully it dries decently. Anyways off to do my homework looking off of my saturated paper. Hope all of your days are going better.

Fine Arts 2012

This past weekend, I have, along with many others, had the opportunity to participate in the Fine Arts competition. I took a human video and a vocal solo. One of our human videos made it as well as the large drama to nationals. My vocal solo was two points away from going to nationals.It was amazing to see so many young people using their talents to glorify God.  Above are some pictures of all of us.