A Season Of Mourning.

A season of mourning had been knocking at my door; writing me mail, posting notes for me to read. I thought I had conquered it. I thought I told sadness to stay away from me and my thoughts. But, maybe I need a season of mourning, just to process some things. I miss my dad with every fiber of my being. I have always longed for the fatherly attention I will never adequately receive. This past summer was just a tease, leading me to think he was capable of staying sober and of being the compassionate dad I need. But that's the thing about alcoholism, it's never the person talking. Just the alcohol. I remember entering through the gates at the airport this past summer sobbing so hard everyone stared because I had to leave my dad. Now, I am balling so hard because he hurt me and doesn't care. Why do there have to be broken homes and broken people? Why do people have to be so awful. I mean I can tolerate kids my own age being mean, but all I ever wanted was acceptance and love from him and a proper relationship. But, no. That's fine. Leave me hang out to dry. Unfriend me on facebook and go on with life without me. I am done trying. I am so beyond hurt, I don't know how I can function. A healthy family is all I need. And I am fighting the urge  to lean on guys, so hard. But it's so hard when I sometimes feel like God isn't here. I mean I know he is, but I just want a tangible hug. You know? But, God I know this will only last a season. Please, just give me the strength. Please.